but I feel
when doing that I am not living in vain. You remember that
when, to prevent our coming to a standstill, I had to turn
skipper myself, the task was endurable only because I was
determined that no fellow should prove himself indispensable
to our further progress. To be debarred from spending most of
my time in traveling, in exploration, and continual
intercourse with the natives, I always felt to be a severe
privation, and if I can get a few hearty native companions, I
shall enjoy myself, and feel that I am doing my duty. As soon
as my book is out, I shall start."

In Livingstone's Journal, 7th January, 1865, we find this entry:
"Answered Sir Roderick about going out. Said I could only feel in the
way of duty by working as a missionary." The answer is very noteworthy
in the view of what has so often been said against Livingstone--that he
dropped the missionary to become an explorer. To understand the precise
bearing of the proposal, and of Livingstone's reply, it is necessary to
say that Sir Roderick had a conviction, which he never concealed, that
the missionary enterprise encumbered and impeded the geographical. He
had a special objection to an Episcopal mission, holding that the
planting of a Bishop and staff on territory dominated by the Portuguese
was an additional irritant, rousing ecclesiastical jealousy, and
bringing it to the aid of commercial and political apprehensions as to
the tendency of the English enterprise. Neither mission nor colony could
succeed in the present state of the country; they could only be a
trouble to the geographical explorer. On this point Livingstone held his
own views. He could only feel in the line of duty as a missionary.
Whatever he might or might not be able to do in that capacity, he would
never abandon it, and, in particular, he would never come under an
obligation to the Geographical Society that he would serve them
"unshackled by other avocations than those of the geographical
explorer."

A letter to Mr. James Young throws light on the feelings with which he
regarded Sir Roderick's proposal:

"_20th January, 1865_--I am not sure but I told you already
that Sir Roderick and I have been writing about going out,
and my fears that I must sell 'Lady Nyassa,' because the
monsoon will be blowing from Africa to India before I get
out, and it won't do for me to keep her idle. I must go down
to