t is a far-off hope. One
cannot in a moment break through the self-consideration of a lifetime.
But whereas, before, my dim sense that happiness could not be found by
deliberately searching for ease made me half rebellious, half
uncomfortable, I know now that it is true, and I will turn my back if I
can upon that lonely and unsatisfied quest. I did indeed--I can
honestly say that--desire with a passionate intentness the happiness of
Maud and the children; but I think I desired it most in order that the
sunshine of their happiness should break in warmth and light upon
myself. It will be hard enough--I can see that--not to labour still for
the sake of the ultimate results upon my own peace of mind. But in my
deepest heart I do not desire to do that, and I will not, God helping
me.

And so to-day, having read the whole record once again, with blinding
tears, tears of love, I think, not tears of self-pity, I will close the
book and write no more. But I will not destroy it, because it may help
some soul that may come after me, into whose hands it may fall, to
struggle on in the middle of sorrow and darkness. To him will I gladly
reveal all that God has done for my soul. That poor, pitiful, shrinking
soul, with all its faint desires after purity and nobleness and peace,
all its self-wrought misery, all its unhappy failures, all its secret
faults, its undiscerned weaknesses, I put humbly and confidently in the
hands of the God who made me. I cannot amend myself, but I can at least
co-operate with His loving Will. I can stumble onwards, with my hand in
His, like a timid child with a strong and loving father. I may wish to
be lifted in His arms, I may wonder why He does not have more pity on
my frailty. But I can believe that He is leading me home, and that His
way is the best and nearest.

THE END

End of Project Gutenberg's The Altar Fire, by Arthur Christopher Benson

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