"Emma, I have scratched out the beginning to my father, for I think I
can write more easily to you. This is my last farewell to all, the
last you will ever hear or see of an unworthy friend and son. I have
failed in life; I am quite broken down and disgraced. I pass under a
false name; you will have to tell my father that with all your
kindness. It is my own fault. I know, had I chosen, that I might have
done well; and yet I swear to you I tried to choose. I could not bear
that you should think I did not try. For I loved you all; you must
never doubt me in that, you least of all. I have always unceasingly
loved, but what was my love worth? and what was I worth? I had not
the manhood of a common clerk; I could not work to earn you; I have
lost you now, and for your sake I could be glad of it. When you first
came to my father's house--do you remember those days? I want you
to--you saw the best of me then, all that was good in me. Do you
remember the day I took your hand and would not let it go--and the
day on Battersea Bridge, when we were looking at a barge, and I began
to tell you one of my silly stories, and broke off to say I loved
you? That was the beginning, and now here is the end. When you have
read this letter, you will go round and kiss them all good-bye, my
father and mother, and the children, one by one, and poor uncle; and
tell them all to forget me, and forget me yourself. Turn the key in
the door; let no thought of me return; be done with the poor ghost
that pretended he was a man and stole your love. Scorn of myself
grinds in me as I write. I should tell you I am well and happy, and
want for nothing. I do not exactly make money, or I should send a
remittance; but I am well cared for, have friends, live in a
beautiful place and climate, such as we have dreamed of together, and
no pity need be wasted on me. In such places, you understand, it is
easy to live, and live well, but often hard to make sixpence in
money. Explain this to my father, he will understand. I have no more
to say; only linger, going out, like an unwilling guest. God in
heaven bless you. Think of me at the last, here, on a bright beach,
the sky and sea immoderately blue, and the great breakers roaring
outside on a barrier reef, where a little isle sits green with palms.
I am well and strong. It is a more pleasant way to die than if you
wer