nst the outside of them I stacked a lot o' table linen an' books
an' loose bricks an' bottles an' somebody's Sunday clothes an' a fender
an' fire-irons an' anything else I thought any good to turn a bullet.
I finished up by prizin' up a hearthstone from the fireplace an'
proppin' it up against the back o' the arm-chair an' sittin' down most
luxurious in the chair an' lighting up my pipe. That's a long ways the
most comfortable chair I've ever sat in--deep soft springy seat an'
padded arms an' covered in red velvet--an' I was just thinkin' what a
treat it was when I hears the rifle fire out in front beginnin' to
brisk up, an' the Forward Officer calls down to me to warn the Battery
to stand by because o' some excitement in the trenches. "Major says
would you like him to give them a few rounds, sir," I shouts up, an'
the F.O. says, "Yes--three rounds gun-fire, on the lines the guns are
laid." So off goes your three rounds, an' I could hear your shells
whoopin' along over our heads.

'"Number One gun add twenty-five yards," calls down the F.O., an' then
gives some more corrections an' calls for one round battery fire. By
this time the rifle fire out in front was pretty thick and the bullets
was hissin' an' whinin' past us an' crackin' on the walls. Another one
came through the window an' perforated the old lady's poke-bonnet, but
none o' them was comin' near me, an' I was just about happily
concludin' I wasn't in the direct line o' fire an' was well covered
from strays. So I was snuggin' down in my big easy chair with the D
Mark III. on my knee, puffin' my pipe an' repeatin' the F.O.'s orders
as pleasant as you please when crack! a bullet comes with an almighty
smack through the back o' the arm-chair, bare inches off my ear.
Comfort or no comfort, thinks I, this is where I resign the chair, an'
I slides out an' squats well down on the wet floor. It's surprisin'
too the amount o' wet an ordinary carpet can hold, an' the chap that
designed the pattern o' this one might 'ave worked in some water lilies
an' duckweed instead o' red roses an' pink leaves if he'd known 'ow it
would come to be used. This 'ouse 'as been rather a swagger one,
judgin' by the style o' the furniture, but one end an' the roof 'aving
gone west with the shellin' the whole show ain't what it might be. An'
when the missus as it belongs to returns to 'er 'appy 'ome there's
going to be some fervent remarks passed about the Germs an' the war
generally