hould call in an expert, in the case of (a)
a brain specialist, or in the case of (b) a nose-plumber. In the
meantime I intend to consult another sort of expert, the
Sanitary Inspector.

Yours obediently, except in such a matter as this,

H. J. Fordyce.

I wrote to the Inspector that night and received the following within
twenty-four hours:--

Dear Sir,--Yours of yesterday's date to hand, and in reply I
regret that I am unable to assist you in the matter as your
neighbour, Mr. Petherton, is engaged on important experimental
work for the Government in connection with the manufacture of
asphyxiating gases, thus causing the unpleasant odours about
which I have received several complaints recently. I have been
in communication with Mr. Petherton on the matter, but he seems
unable to abate the nuisance. I am surprised that he has not
explained the position to you himself.

I remain, Yours obediently,

M. Tarbutt.

_pp_. A. C.

On receiving the above I wrote to Petherton:--

Dear Fred,--Only a few words to say that I have just heard the
great news. Heartiest congratters. As a
strafe-scent-manufacturer you are IT. _A bas les Boches!_

But why so close about it all this time? If you had only let me
know about it sooner I would have dug a trench in my garden and
slept in it, instead of complaining. Henceforth I shall turn my
nose (well respirated) to the south-east every morning as an act
of homage.

Give it 'em hot, old man; don't mind us; we love it now. When
you get stuck for any fresh ingredients refer to _Macbeth_, Act
4, Scene I, though I should be inclined to think you have done
this already.

Yours gratefully, H. J. Fordyce.

So far I have received no reply from Petherton. In the circumstances I
excuse his apparent hauteur.

* * * * *

"Ships that pass in the Night."

"A large number of our kinsmen from over the seas were
unmarried, and he would like to see for every shipload of them
that came over a shipload of women from this country sent out to
be mated to them."--_Daily Paper._

It looks as if it might be stalemate.

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Monday, February 21st._--Although _de minimis non curat lex_, our
law-makers delight in very small jokes. When Mr. CECIL BECK, as
Vice-Chamber