premises in Bond Street.

"SCHNAPPS."--The correct version is:--

"In the matter of U-Boats the fault of the Dutch
Is protesting too little and standing too much."

"CARILLON."--You ask how the Germans will manage for their joy-peals now
that the military authorities have commandeered the church bells. It was
very bright of you to think of this. The answer is that, in view of
pressing national needs, they are going to give up having victories. After
all, this is an age of sacrifice. EDITOR.

* * * * *

Commercial Candour.

"Abandon housekeeping and live in comfort at the hotel ------.
Not too large to give the best of service, and not too small to be
uncomfortable."--_Morning Paper_.

* * * * *

We feel it to be our patriotic duty to call the attention of the FOOD
CONTROLLER to the conduct of a well-known restaurant which blatantly
describes itself on a bill of fare as

"THE GORGE AND VULTURE."

* * * * *

"Women lamplighters will shortly be seen in the submarine districts of
London."--_Bradford Daily Argus_.

But to prevent disappointment we ought to mention that this phenomenon can
only be witnessed by the _Argus_-eyed.

* * * * *

[Illustration: ALSO RAN.

WILLIAM. "ARE YOUR LURING THEM ON, LIKE ME?" MEHMED. "I'M AFRAID I
AM!"]

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

_Monday, February 26th._--The new Member for Roscommon has not yet appeared
in the House, but he is nevertheless doing his bit more effectively,
perhaps, than some of his compatriots. The SPEAKER'S ruling is "No seat, no
salary"; so Count PLUNKETT will have the satisfaction of knowing that by
his self-sacrificing absence he is paying the expenses of the War for at
least five seconds.

With suitable solemnity Sir EDWARD CARSON gave a brief account of the
exploits of the German destroyer squadrons. One of them, comprising several
vessels, had engaged a single British destroyer for several minutes before
cleverly executing a strategic movement in the direction of the German
coast; while another had simultaneously bombarded the strongholds of
Broadstairs and Margate, completely demolishing two entire houses. The
damage would have been still more serious but for the fortunate
circumstance that the fortresses erected on the foreshore last summer