The good lady, as soon
as she had recovered breath, employed it in making a thousand apologies,
and, with great eloquence, and a numerous train of words, lamented my
misfortune. In the middle of her harangue, I felt something scratching
near my knee, and feeling what it should be, found the squirrel had got
into my coat-pocket. As I endeavoured to remove him from his burrow, he
made his teeth meet through the fleshy part of my forefinger. This gave
me an unexpressible pain. The Hungary water was immediately brought
to bathe it, and goldbeater's skin applied to stop the blood. The lady
renewed her excuses; but, being now out of all patience, I abruptly took
my leave, and hobbling downstairs with heedless haste, I set my foot
full in a pail of water, and down we came to the bottom together." Here
my friend concluded his narrative, and, with a composed countenance,
I began to make him compliments of condolence; but he started from his
chair, and said, "Isaac, you may spare your speeches; I expect no reply.
When I told you this, I knew you would laugh at me; but the next woman
that makes me ridiculous shall be a young one."

XXIV.--MARIA CALLS IN SHIRE LANE.

From my own Apartment, November 7, 1709.

I was very much surprised this evening with a visit from one of the top
Toasts of the town, who came privately in a chair, and bolted into my
room, while I was reading a chapter of Agrippa upon the occult sciences;
but, as she entered with all the air and bloom that nature ever bestowed
on woman, I threw down the conjurer, and met the charmer. I had no
sooner placed her at my right hand by the fire, but she opened to me the
reason of her visit. "Mr. Bickerstaff," said the fine creature, "I have
been your correspondent some time, though I never saw you before; I have
written by the name of Maria. You have told me you were too far gone
in life to think of love. Therefore, I am answered as to the passion I
spoke of; and," continued she, smiling, "I will not stay till you grow
young again, as you men never fail to do in your dotage, but am come to
consult you about disposing of myself to another. My person you see; my
fortune is very considerable; but I am at present under much perplexity
how to act in a great conjuncture. I have two lovers, Crassus and Lorio;
Crassus is prodigiously rich, but has no one distinguishing quality;
though at the same time he is not remarkable on the defective side.
Lorio has travelled, is we