only temperance beverages would be served, but elsewhere there
would be--well--there would be drinks. At that very moment the
Exhibition was being opened by the Most Illustrious Gentleman in the
Land accompanied by H.R.H.'s most charming and most beautiful partner.
Would the Lady like to see the place?

"Another time," she replied. "Stay, I would like to see myself. Have you
a picture of me? I am Mistress NELLIE GWYNNE."

Her courteous informant bowed, and shook his head. He had heard it
suggested at the inaugural lunch that she should be represented, but
there were so many things to do--the Military Sports, the eating
and drinking, the Royal Patronage, and the Church of England
Institutes,--that, in point of fact, the matter had been overlooked.

"Well, never mind," said good-natured NELLIE, "I daresay you will get on
very well without me. But look to this, my master. Here we are very near
the site of old Cremorne, and a part of the grounds over yonder is
called Ranelagh. You have lights and bands, and subtle beverages, some
of which will cheer but not inebriate,--and others that may possibly
reverse the operation. Well, well, my portrait is not in your
collection,--the best I can wish you is that you may keep your night
_fetes_ as select as your picture-gallery."

And with this the Lady returned to her frame beside the fire-place in
the Club Morning Room.

* * * * *

"NUTS" FOR THE COAL TRADE.

[Under the 29th Section of the Weights and Measures Act "the person
in charge of the vehicle," when coal-frauds are perpetrated, seems
to be alone punishable.]

Not a sack was full, not a weight was true,
As the coals to their cellar we hurried;
Not an eye could see were they many or few
In the crypt where our cobbles we buried.

We buried them gaily, at luncheon time,
All Acts of Parliament spurning;
There were "Kitchens," composed of slate and slime,
And Wallsend, "dimly burning."

No fussing servants surveyed our cart--
(If they had, we'd have kept them shivering)
--They were busy serving the family tart
At our chosen hour for delivering!

Few and brief the remarks we made;
Not of coals, but of beer, we chattered;
And we thought of the tricks of an opulent trade
As the coal-dust we liberally scattered.

We thought of our "dealer," our wealthy boss,
How he's spared by the law just created;
How we carmen are m