her men's fort to do another, while there
is numeris shiftless critters goin' round loose whose fort is not to do
nothin'.

"Twice I've endevered to do things which they wasn't my Fort. The
first time was when I undertook to lick a owdashus cuss who cut a hole
in my tent and krawld threw. Sez I, 'My jentle sir, go out, or I shall
fall onto you putty hevy.' Sez he, 'Wade in, Old Wax Figgers,'
whereupon I went for him, but he cawt me powerful on the hed and knockt
me threw the tent into a cow pastur. He pursood the attack and flung
me into a mud puddle. As I aroze and rung out my drencht garmints, I
concluded fitin was n't my fort.

"I'le now rize the curtain upon seen 2nd. It is rarely seldum that I
seek consolation in the Flowin Bole. But in a certain town in Injianny
in the Faul of 18--, my orgin grinder got sick with the fever and died.
I never felt so ashamed in my life, and I thought I'd hist in a few
swallers of suthin strengthnin. Konsequents was, I histed so much I
didn't zackly know whereabouts I was. I turned my livin' wild beasts
of Pray loose into the streets, and split all my wax-works.

"I then Bet I cood play hoss. So I hitched myself to a kanawl bote,
there bein' two other hosses behind and anuther ahead of me. But the
hosses bein' onused to such a arrangemunt, begun to kick and squeal and
rair up. Konsequents was, I was kicked vilently in the stummuck and
back, and presently, I found myself in the kanawl with the other
hosses, kikin and yellin like a tribe of Cusscaroorus savajis. I was
rescood, and as I was bein carried to the tavern on a hemlock bored I
sed in a feeble voice, 'Boys, playin' hoss isn't my Fort.'

"_Moral: Never don't do nothin' which isn't your Fort, for ef you do
you'll find yourself splashin' round in the kanawl, figuratively
speakin._"

The following advertisement, which appeared day after day in a Western
paper, did not bring a single reply:--

"Wanted.--Situation by a Practical Printer, who is competent to take
charge of any department in a printing and publishing house. Would
accept a professorship in any of the academies. Has no objection to
teach ornamental painting and penmanship, geometry, trigonometry, and
many other sciences. Has had some experience as a lay preacher. Would
have no objection to form a small class of young ladies and gentlemen
to instruct them in the higher branches. To a dentist or chiropodist
he would be invaluable; or he would chee