undeserved iota
subscript to your callous, scholarly heart. The situation put you at such
a humorous disadvantage, made you appear so at variance with your hard,
uncharitable theories of life, and with your superlative dignity of mien,
that the terror I had felt in anticipation of your visit vanished away. I
think the awkward helplessness with which you seemed always to be trying
to domesticate yourself to Jack appealed to my sense of humour so keenly
that your romantic proportions were suddenly reduced. You were less
formidable to deal with as a lover. That is how I came to consent to the
walk we took in the forest. Ah me! I should have taken warning from your
enigmatical silence. And indeed I did tremble with vivacity in my effort
to break it. But you only looked mysteriously confident about something
and kept your own counsel, giving me a nod or a quizzical smile now and
then, as if what I was saying really had no bearing whatever upon the
issue at hand.... Then suddenly the grey wood shadows fell about us. The
world changed back a thousand ages and we were the only man and woman in
it. I felt the sudden compulsion of your arms about me. And, Philip, I
could have rested in them if I had not caught in your face the expression
of a new, undisguised man; but the strange white intensity of it startled
me so that I must have died or made my escape. Ah! you do not know how
sincere was my flight from you the next moment. I knew that I should be
captured at last; but after the divine madness I had seen in your eyes, I
could not be _willing_. And when at last you overtook me under that old
Merlin oak, you showed no mercy at all, my lord. You were not even sorry
for me, and you did not understand as I lay with my face covered in terror
and shame against your breast. Philip, why does a woman always weep when
the first man kisses her the first time, no matter how glad she is? I hope
you do not know enough to answer this question. But I am sure every woman
does weep; and I think it is because she feels even in the midst of her
great happiness, an irremediable loss, for which nothing ever fully
atones.

But another question is, How could I, after being lost to you in this dear
way, turn my face from you at the command of a religious enthusiast? A
regard for father and not for his righteousness is the explanation; for I
felt more nearly right following my heart to you. But now, dear knight, I
am ready to forgive you the fault of ass