y, as well as
unfortunate and miserable beings, that ever existed, but I can only feel
to say that it was God's curse upon me, and that I know that I am
deserving all, so I do not murmur. But, oh! the tears I have shed for my
past follies would make an ocean; and to-night, if I was only laid in
my grave, is my wish. John, what shall I say? In the first place, can
you ever forgive me? for God alone knows that I am penitent if there
ever was one in the world. I can hardly hope to be forgiven, for my sins
are almost beyond redemption, but God will forgive at the eleventh hour,
and I want to be forgiven and reform. I will reform. I have seen enough,
and now I want to settle down and live a virtuous and respectable life
the rest of my days and die a happy death, for I have spent many an hour
of late in deep thought, and it is not an impulse of the moment, but I
have spent hours and days and months, and conclude that this is no life
for me to lead. I am cured of my follies and I want to reform. Now,
John, I have used you like a dog. I can say nothing for myself only that
I am sorry, and have suffered enough, and have had my just dues. But,
oh, John, forgive me! I could never do enough for you, and though I
should live for years I could never wash out the stain which I have
brought upon your name, but I am willing to end my days in your service.
I am willing to do anything for you, if you are only willing to forgive
me and live with me again, for I am your wife the same as ever, although
I never filled that position or deserved the name. I am now willing to
steady down and be a wife to you the remainder of my days. I think it
was God's will that things should have been as they have; for my part, I
know that it has been the making of me. I do not think that I could ever
have settled down, and have been a woman and true wife, if I had not
passed through what I have, for now I have seen not only the ways of the
world, but the follies of my ways, and am cured, and now I am willing to
go anywhere, and live with my husband, and be to him a true wife the
rest of my days. That I am penitent and want to be forgiven by you and
all of the rest, 'though I can never expect that,' and that the words
come right from my heart, God alone knows. John, I would have written to
you long before, but my pride forbade it, for I thought I would wait and
see if you loved or cared anything for me, for I thought if you did that
you would write or send for