eserting. It happened, therefore, that a
day or two later, while in Washington, I was seized in the street with a
fit, which perfectly imposed upon the officer in charge, and caused
him to leave me at the Douglas Hospital. Here I found it necessary
to perform fits about twice a week, and as there were several real
epileptics in the ward, I had a capital chance of studying their
symptoms, which, finally, I learned to imitate with the utmost
cleverness.

I soon got to know three or four men who, like myself, were personally
averse to bullets, and who were simulating other forms of disease with
more or less success. One of them suffered with rheumatism of the back,
and walked about like an old man; another, who had been to the front,
was palsied in the right arm. A third kept open an ulcer on the leg,
rubbing in a little antimonial ointment, which I bought at fifty cents,
and sold him at five dollars a box.

A change in the hospital staff brought all of us to grief. The new
surgeon was a quiet, gentlemanly person, with pleasant blue eyes and
clearly cut features, and a way of looking at you without saying much. I
felt so safe myself that I watched his procedures with just that kind of
enjoyment which one clever man takes in seeing another at work.

The first inspection settled two of us.

"Another back case," said the assistant surgeon to his senior.

"Back hurt you?" says the latter, mildly.

"Yes, sir; run over by a howitzer; ain't never been able to stand
straight since."

"A howitzer!" says the surgeon. "Lean forward, my man, so as to touch
the floor--so. That will do." Then turning to his aid, he said, "Prepare
this man's discharge papers."

"His discharge, sir?"

"Yes; I said that. Who's next?"

"Thank you, sir," groaned the man with the back. "How soon, sir, do you
think it will be?"

"Ah, not less than a month," replied the surgeon, and passed on.

Now, as it was unpleasant to be bent like the letter C, and as the
patient presumed that his discharge was secure, he naturally allowed
himself a little relaxation in the way of becoming straighter.
Unluckily, those nice blue eyes were everywhere at all hours, and one
fine morning Smithson was appalled at finding himself in a detachment
bound for the field, and bearing on his descriptive list an ill-natured
indorsement about his malady.

The surgeon came next on O'Callahan, standing, like each of us, at the
foot of his own bed.

"I've paralytics in my