gathered from all parts of the country, go to prove:--

The First Commissioner of Oaths states that "twopenny damns" will,
until further notice, be eight-pence each.

* * * * *

A schoolmaster in Birmingham who propounded the old question about
a herring and a half costing three half-pence has been put under
restraint as a dangerous lunatic.

* * * * *

If the information that reaches us from a little bird is correct, a
boycott of sparrows is in progress, owing to their inveterate habit of
saying, "Cheep! Cheep!"

* * * * *

Mr. HEINEMANN announces that, as a concession to modern
susceptibilities, he has decided to alter the title of Mr.
HERGESHEIMER'S successful novel, _The Three Black Pennys_ to _The
Three Black Half-crowns._

* * * * *

All guinea-pigs and guinea-fowls will from the present date onwards be
two guineas.

* * * * *

In the best profiteering circles cigars are now lighted with spills
made of one-pound, notes, instead of, as during the war, ten-shilling
ones.

* * * * *

A well-known orchestral leader states that there is a serious movement
afoot to popularise "The Dear Home Land" as an encore for the National
Anthem.

* * * * *

The legal profession has long been concerned by the fact that lawyers'
fees remain so fixed in a world given over to flux. It has now been
decided that, although the fees shall remain the same, less value
shall be given. For six-and-eightpence a solicitor will in future give
only half his attention, by listening with only one ear.

* * * * *

COMMERCIAL CANDOUR.

"EGGS FOR SALE.

"Why go out of ---- to be swindled? Come to the ---- Poultry Farm."

* * * * *

"IN MY GARDEN.

"April 4.--Now is a suitable time to saw sweet peas."--_Daily
Mirror._

When the stalks are very strong we always use an axe.

* * * * *

L'ALLEGRO.

Haste thee, Peace, and bring with thee
Food and old festivity,
Bread and sugar white as snow,
The bacon that we used to know,
Apples cheap, and eggs and meat,
Dainty cakes with icing sweet,
And in thy right hand lead with thee
The mountain nymph (not much U.P.).
Come, and sip it