hould have the
benefit accruing from contact with my revivifying characteristics.

_Q._ Supposing your father expostulates with you, and advances
the fact that you have received greater advantages than he himself
enjoyed--for instance, that you have been to Eton--what should you
reply?

_A._ Practically nothing. However, in the cause of justice and truth,
it might be advisable to answer his statement of fact that "he had
never been to Eton" with the reply, "Anyone could see that."

_Q._ If he complains that you do not rise until eleven, smoke
cigarettes in the dining-room before lunch, smash the grand piano in
the drawing-room, lame his favourite cob in the Row, and upset all his
documents in the study, what answer would you make?

_A._ That you were not responsible for the training which he had taken
under his personal control. He must be satisfied with the broad result
of your bringing-up.

_Q._ If he declares his intention of addressing the Superintendent of
your scholastic career on the matter, what would you do?

_A._ Explain that your present position in the school, to which you
supposed you would have to reluctantly return, was lacking in the
element of popularity, and that any further move in the direction
of increased reduction in that element might possibly lead to your
expulsion. Deprecate personal objection to expulsion, but suggest
that such a course might, by preventing your getting employment in the
Church, Army, or Bar, lead to your being on your parents' hands for
life.

_Q._ When the time has all but arrived for your return to school, what
should you do?

_A._ Promptly catch the whooping-cough, the influenza, or measles. You
will then afford a sufficient reason for extending the length of your
vacation indefinitely.

* * * * *

[Illustration: A TERRIBLE TURK.

_Little Spinks._ "AH! ONCE I WAS AS INNOCENT AS A LITTLE CHILD! WHAT I
AM _NOW_, YOUR SEX HAS MADE ME!"]

* * * * *

NOBLE SELF-SACRIFICE.

"The Duke of DEVONSHIRE has arranged to return from Monte Carlo
on Saturday," so said the _Morning Post_, "in order to address a
political meeting at Glasgow on April 14th." His Grace having torn
himself away from delightful Monte Carlo, will then attempt to turn
the tables on the _Liberales Gladstonienses_. But fancy renouncing
sunny Mount Charles--"O Charley Mount is a pleasant place," as sang
_Miles na Coppaleen_, who was, by