ed.

MAGISTRATE. I suppose there is a good deal of disorder in this
place?

POLICEMAN. There is.

MAGISTRATE. Common assault?

POLICEMAN. It's common enough.

MAGISTRATE. Agrarian crime, no doubt?

POLICEMAN. That is so.

MAGISTRATE. Boycotting? Maiming of cattle? Firing into houses?

POLICEMAN. There was one time, and there might be again.

MAGISTRATE. That is bad. Does it go any farther than that?

POLICEMAN. Far enough, indeed.

MAGISTRATE. Homicide, then! This district has been shamefully
neglected! I will change all that. When I was in the Andaman
Islands, my system never failed. Yes, yes, I will change all
that. What has that woman on her stall?

POLICEMAN. Apples mostly--and sweets.

MAGISTRATE. Just see if there are any unlicensed goods
underneath--spirits or the like. We had evasions of the salt tax
in the Andaman Islands.

POLICEMAN (_sniffing cautiously and upsetting a heap of apples_). I
see no spirits here--or salt.

MAGISTRATE (_to_ MRS. TARPEY). Do you know this town well, my good
woman?

MRS. TARPEY (_holding out some apples_). A penny the half-dozen,
your honor.

POLICEMAN (_shouting_). The gentleman is asking do you know the
town! He's the new magistrate!

MRS. TARPEY (_rising and ducking_). Do I know the town? I do, to be
sure.

MAGISTRATE (_shouting_). What is its chief business?

MRS, TARPEY. Business, is it? What business would the people here
have but to be minding one another's business?

MAGISTRATE. I mean what trade have they?

MRS. TARPEY. Not a trade. No trade at all but to be talking.

MAGISTRATE. I shall learn nothing here.

(JAMES RYAN _comes in, pipe in mouth. Seeing MAGISTRATE, he
retreats quickly, taking pipe from mouth._)

MAGISTRATE. The smoke from that man's pipe had a greenish look;
he may be growing unlicensed tobacco at home. I wish I had
brought my telescope to this district. Come to the post-office; I
will telegraph for it. I found it very useful in the Andaman
Islands.

(MAGISTRATE _and_ POLICEMAN _go out left._)

MRS. TARPEY. Bad luck to Jo Muldoon, knocking my apples this way
and that way. (_Begins arranging them._) Showing off he was to the
new magistrate.

(_Enter_ BARTLEY FALLON _and_ MRS. FALLON.)

BARTLEY. Indeed it's a poor country and a scarce country to be
living in. But I'm thinking if I went to America it's long ago
the day I'd be dead!

MRS. FALLON. So you might, indeed.

(_She puts her basket on a barrel and begins put