er, nor do I detest and abjure either great wigs or
long beards, any farther than when I see they are bespoke and let grow
on purpose to carry on this self-same imposture--for any purpose--peace
be with them!--> mark only--I write not for them.

Chapter 2.XIV.

Every day for at least ten years together did my father resolve to have
it mended--'tis not mended yet;--no family but ours would have borne
with it an hour--and what is most astonishing, there was not a subject
in the world upon which my father was so eloquent, as upon that of
door-hinges.--And yet at the same time, he was certainly one of the
greatest bubbles to them, I think, that history can produce: his
rhetorick and conduct were at perpetual handy-cuffs.--Never did the
parlour-door open--but his philosophy or his principles fell a victim to
it;--three drops of oil with a feather, and a smart stroke of a hammer,
had saved his honour for ever.

--Inconsistent soul that man is!--languishing under wounds, which he
has the power to heal!--his whole life a contradiction to his
knowledge!--his reason, that precious gift of God to him--(instead of
pouring in oil) serving but to sharpen his sensibilities--to multiply
his pains, and render him more melancholy and uneasy under them!--Poor
unhappy creature, that he should do so!--Are not the necessary causes of
misery in this life enow, but he must add voluntary ones to his stock of
sorrow;--struggle against evils which cannot be avoided, and submit to
others, which a tenth part of the trouble they create him would remove
from his heart for ever?

By all that is good and virtuous, if there are three drops of oil to
be got, and a hammer to be found within ten miles of Shandy Hall--the
parlour door hinge shall be mended this reign.

Chapter 2.XV.

When Corporal Trim had brought his two mortars to bear, he was delighted
with his handy-work above measure; and knowing what a pleasure it would
be to his master to see them, he was not able to resist the desire he
had of carrying them directly into his parlour.

Now next to the moral lesson I had in view in mentioning the affair of
hinges, I had a speculative consideration arising out of it, and it is
this.

Had the parlour door opened and turn'd upon its hinges, as a door should
do--

Or for example, as cleverly as our government has been turning upon
its hinges--(that is, in case things have all along gone well with your
worship,--otherwise I give up my s