by Madame
Roland in her _Memoires Particuliers_,[43] written during the last
months of her life in prison in Paris at the time of the Terror. She
menstruated for the first time, she informs us, soon after she had been
partially enlightened regarding sexual matters by her grandmother. Even
before menstruation began, she had experienced sexual excitement in
dreams. "I had sometimes been awakened from a deep sleep in a most
remarkable manner. My imagination played no part in what occurred; it
was occupied with far more serious matters, and my tender conscience was
far too strictly on guard against the deliberate pursuit of pleasure for
me to make any attempt to dwell in imagination on what I regarded as a
forbidden province of thought. But an extraordinary outbreak awakened my
senses from their quiet slumber, and, my constitution being a very
vigorous one, a process whose nature and cause were equally unknown to
me made its appearance spontaneously. The first result of this
experience was the onset of great mental anguish; I had learned from my
'Philothea'[44] that it was forbidden to enjoy any bodily pleasure,
except in lawful wedlock; this teaching recurred to my mind; the
sensations I had experienced could certainly be described as
pleasurable; I had, therefore, committed a sin, and, indeed, a sin of
the most shameful and grievous character, because it was the sin most of
all displeasing to the Lamb without blemish and without spot. Great
disturbance of mind, prayers and penances; how could I avoid a
repetition of the offence? for I had not foreseen it in any way, but in
the moment of the experience I had taken no trouble to prevent it. My
watchfulness became extreme; I noticed that when lying in certain
positions I was more exposed to the danger, and I avoided these
positions with anxious conscientiousness. My uneasiness became so great
that ultimately I came to wake up before the catastrophe. When unable to
prevent it, I would jump out of bed, and, notwithstanding the cold of
winter, stand bare-footed on the polished floor, crossing my arms, and
praying earnestly to God to guard me from the snares of Satan." She goes
on to describe her subsequent attempts to mortify the flesh by means of
fasting.

I have hitherto described the individual sexual processes which are
observed during childhood, I have already explained that in some, one
process, in some, another process, is alone present, or, at any rate,
preponderates.