halve and hamper! Halt and hang and harass!"

"'Ack and 'it and 'ammer!" struck back the King's English, beginning to
breath hard. "Aggie and 'alve and 'amper! 'Alt and 'ang and 'arass!"

As the tongues met, Gwendolyn saw small bright splinters fly this way
and that--a shower of them! These splinters darted downward, falling
upon the road. And each, as it lit, was an h!

The Policeman was frightened. "Which is your best foot?" he called.

The King's English indicated his right. "This!"

"Then put it forward!"

"My goodness!" exclaimed Gwendolyn. "Am I seeing this, or is it just
Pretend?"

Thomas now warmed to the fray. "Harm!" he scourged, "Harness! Hash! Hew!
Hoodwink! Hurt and hurk!"

"'Eavens!" breathed the King's English.

"Turn your cold shoulder," advised the little old gentleman.

The King's English thrust out the right. And it helped! "Oh, hayches
don't matter," he panted. "I'm hall right has long has 'is grammar
doesn't get too bad." And off came one of Thomas's ears--a large
one--and blew along the ground like a great leaf.

That was an unfortunate boast. For Thomas, enraged by the loss of an
ear, fought with renewed zeal. "If you see he, just tell I!" he shouted.

The King's English went pallid. "If you see 'im, just tell me," he
gasped, meeting Thomas gallantly--with the loss of only one splinter.

"Oh, I want you to win!" called Gwendolyn to him.

But the contest was unequal. That was now plain. The King's English had
polish and finish. Thomas had more: his tongue, newly sharpened, cut
deep at each blow.

Unequal as was the contest, Jane's interference a second time made it
more so. For as the fighters trampled to and fro, seeking the better of
each other, she twirled near again. "Try your _verbs_, Thomas!" she
counseled. "Try your verbs!"

Eagerly Thomas grasped this second hint. "By which I could was!" he
cried, with a curling stroke of the warped tongue; "or shall am!"

At that, the King's English showed distressing weakness. He seemed
scarcely to have enough strength for another snap. "By w'ich I could
be!" he whipped back feebly; "or shall 'ave been!" And staggered
sidewise.

Now the warped and twisted tongue began to chant past-participially: "I
done! I done!! I done!!!"

"'Elp!" implored the King's English, fairly wan. "Friends, this--this
fellow 'as treated me houtrageously for--for yaaws!"

"Oh, worser and worser and worser," pursued Thomas, changing suddenly
to adverbs.