n to think
about death that I've tried it on sometimes, especially this last week.
But we won't talk of it now. I'd better go. You're getting tired, and I
shall do you harm."

"No, no; indeed I ain't, Tom. You must stop till nine; there's only
twenty minutes. I've settled you shall stop till nine. And oh! do let me
talk to you--I must talk to you. I see it's just as I feared. You think
I'm half mad. Don't you, now?"

"Well, I did think it odd what you said, Geordie, as you ask me."

Arthur paused a moment, and then said quickly, "I'll tell you how it all
happened. At first, when I was sent to the sick-room, and found I had
really got the fever, I was terribly frightened. I thought I should
die, and I could not face it for a moment. I don't think it was sheer
cowardice at first, but I thought how hard it was to be taken away from
my mother and sisters and you all, just as I was beginning to see my way
to many things, and to feel that I might be a man and do a man's work.
To die without having fought, and worked, and given one's life away,
was too hard to bear. I got terribly impatient, and accused God of
injustice, and strove to justify myself. And the harder I strove the
deeper I sank. Then the image of my dear father often came across me,
but I turned from it. Whenever it came, a heavy, numbing throb seemed to
take hold of my heart, and say, 'Dead-dead-dead.' And I cried out, 'The
living, the living shall praise Thee, O God; the dead cannot praise
thee. There is no work in the grave; in the night no man can work. But
I can work. I can do great things. I will do great things. Why wilt thou
slay me?' And so I struggled and plunged, deeper and deeper, and went
down into a living black tomb. I was alone there, with no power to stir
or think; alone with myself; beyond the reach of all human fellowship;
beyond Christ's reach, I thought, in my nightmare. You, who are brave
and bright and strong, can have no idea of that agony. Pray to God you
never may. Pray as for your life."

Arthur stopped--from exhaustion, Tom thought; but what between his fear
lest Arthur should hurt himself, his awe, and his longing for him to go
on, he couldn't ask, or stir to help him.

Presently he went on, but quite calm and slow. "I don't know how long
I was in that state--for more than a day, I know; for I was quite
conscious, and lived my outer life all the time, and took my medicines,
and spoke to my mother, and heard what they said. But I