For "Con," said the king, "you're none so young,
And your tricks are plaguey old!"

* * *

Now Con he tramps from shire to shire,
And he must till the crack of doom;
He takes the road in the dust and mire,
And he sleeps in the windy broom;
He's no address and he's no abode,
And his jacket's the worse o' wear;
And I've met him once on the Portsmouth Road,
And once at a Wicklow fair.

When the roundabouts and the swings are slow
And a conjuring chap draws near,
And there's nothing about his mug to show
That it's seen five thousand year
(For that's the way that the songs were sung,
And thus is the story told),
You'll know it's Con and he's none so young
For his tricks are plaguey old.

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Retired M.F.H._ "AND WHEN WE CAME TO THE SEVENTEENTH,
JUST AS I WAS GOING TO DRIVE, WHAT SHOULD I SEE BUT AN OLD DOG FOX
STARING AT ME OUT OF THE HEDGE!"

_Sympathetic Friend._ "YE-E-E-S?"

_Retired M.F.H._ "NOW, DON'T YOU THINK THAT WAS A MOST REMARKABLE
THING?"

_Sympathetic Friend._ "WELL, YES, I SUPPOSE IT WAS; BUT THEN, YOU SEE, I
DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GOLF."]

* * * * *

From a list of new books:--

"Woman and Crime (Adam)."

Well, he ought to know.

* * * * *

From a pamphlet on "The 'King's Own' Mission":--

"MADAM ADA BACON,
Soloist for Easter Sunday Evening.

Please send some eggs."

The writer has been carried away by the association of ideas. The
singing will not really be so bad as that.

* * * * *

Two conflicting announcements from _The Observer_:--

"VILLA'S VICTORY.
FOUR DAYS OF FURIOUS FIGHTING."

"HOW THE VILLA WERE BEATEN.
LIVERPOOL'S SUPERIOR PACE."

* * * * *

EXILE.

"And how long," said the lady of the house from behind her rampart of
breakfast things, "shall you want to be away?"

"Away?" I said. "Who said anything about being away?"

"Well," she said, "if you want to go to all those annual dinners and
things you'll have to go to London, and if you go to London you'll have
to be away from here."

"'Plato,'" I said, "'thou reasonest well.' Helen, pass me the butter."

"Why deny it, then?" said Helen's mother. "If you're going to be away
you're going to be away, a